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I like TV. There, I admit it. I know I’m supposed to be above it all and say something kind of smug like, “I don’t really watch much TV…” but I cannot tell a lie (I’d no sooner drown my food or misuse a conjunction—both of which I learned about from Saturday morning cartoons.). I can almost chart the growth of my brand of humor and sense of timing to the shows I watched growing up. Who would I be without “Gilligan’s Island” and “The Brady Bunch” or “The Cosby Show” and “The Dukes of Hazzard”?

The thing to keep in mind when watching television is that it’s not real. I realize that was one of the most obvious statements ever recorded in blogosphere history but it never hurts to review some basic facts. In honor of those days of old when we watched Saturday morning cartoons and they slipped in lessons about how to use crackers and cheese to make a wagon wheel and Superman taught us about bike safety in between commercial breaks, I will give my own PSA with a list of “Top Seven Ways TV is Different from Real Life.”

7. In real life you can’t always come up with ten things in a list.

6. On TV, a character will say something witty or profound and then he’ll walk away leaving his words hanging in the air like a floating bubble of wisdom—no retort necessary. In real life, if you say something witty with the authority of someone who knows he won’t be challenged (actors on TV can rely on the fact that the other actors have to stick to the script), you will most likely be disappointed. You’ll have to hustle out of the room before someone says something like “Uh-uh!” or “What?” or “Get back here! That’s not true.”

5. Some of the hair-do’s for TV characters are ridiculous. A female surgeon scrubs her hands in the OR. Though she’s on the tail end of her 36-hour shift, her hair is perfectly twisted and pinned into a neat chignon—not a hair out of place. Where’s the messy ponytail with unkempt wisps all over her forehead?

4. Romantic relationships on TV are almost always unrealistic but nothing tops the “teen boy pines away for the shy, pretty girl” scenario. How often do we really see the guy with the boom box in the girl’s front yard?

3. It cracks me up when a woman wears a lot of makeup to bed. Ok, I realize you’ve got the studio lighting to battle but does she really need charcoal eyelids and ruby lips with her flannel pajamas?

2. TV drivers look at the passenger too frequently. Keep your eyes on the road, people!

1. Anytime someone comes home after going to the grocery store on TV, that person must always carry a paper grocery bag with celery or the green part of carrots sticking out of the bag. It’s a law.

Ok, that’s a start. Send me more ideas! Be proud that you love TV! Just don’t watch crap like the Kardashians or Jersey Shore.

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Seven Ways TV is Different than Real Life

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